If you ask me to choose one thing that I would want to remember for the rest of my life then it is the fact that everyone has a limited amount of energy they can use on a day-to-day basis. If you decide to choose it for the wrong reasons then you wouldn’t be left with energy to choose it for the right reasons.
For many years I was so mentally engrossed in feeling depressed that it left me with no energy to do things that would appear normal for people without depression.
This is due to the fact that when I am depressed it takes immense amount of mental energy and self-convincing to feel normal again. And by the time I am normal I had drained away the batteries that kept me going.
After completing my Bachelor’s degree, I was idle for a while because a) I had no clue what to do and b) I was anxious to go out and meet people. So I was sitting home all day and contemplating why I am like this and why I can’t be like others. This depressive phase hit me hard. These constant thoughts ate up all my energy. I used to wake up late, skip breakfast and used to have lunch at around 3pm only because beyond that it would go into unacceptable territory. Even the most basic of tasks are tough to do under these circumstances as my mind constantly battled negativity.
Then there was also this period where I used to work in a corporate setup (typical 10am-6pm job) and completing my office tasks on time used to be a struggle. What I realised over time is that I was merely reacting to deadlines and when there were no deadlines I was busy batting my mind which was trying to convince me that I am worthless. So either way I was stressed all the time. I would come home feeling mentally drained and left with no energy to even have my dinner. This was another depressive phase in my life for other reasons, so I would come home and crash most of the days.
And then there was my mom who had worked for 35 years and used to come home everyday to do the daily chores, cooking and what not. I used to feel amazed looking at her as to how she has the energy to do all the mundane tasks. And I feel amazed looking at all the women who do everything they have to, to keep their families functioning smoothly. These days I take a lot of inspiration from women and this not only helps me in staying away from negative mindset but also motivates me to work harder.
Having realised the essence of mental-energy, now I am more proactive towards using it for the right reasons. I do get a hang of when my thoughts are drifting towards negativity and then I try to nip those thoughts in the bud and then use my energies for more productive thoughts and tasks.
Located at: Hyderabad
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